SAO Character Roast
by Xenus2187
Summary: We will be roasting Kirito! That's right! Leave a review about what you want to say to Kirito! Now we will be roasting ASUNA, SINON, AND KAYABA!
1. Chapter 1: Intro

Bart: Hello, eveybody! My name is Bart Valeska! And this is SAO Character roast! Now on this story we will be roasting SAO's very own Kirito!

Kirito: Hey, guys! Hey, Bart! Glad to be here!

Bart: Now this will be a 5 chapter thing! We will be roasting Kirito! So leave a review of what you want to say to Kirito!

Kirito: Alright! Come on, guys! Bring it on!

Bart: Haha! Alright! Leave a review! And thank you for reading! Check out Lojky's Q&A, which inspired me to do this! Come on! Let's get roasting!


	2. Chapter 2: Lojky

Bart: Hello, everybody! We're back with our first roast! And it is from our dear friend, Lojky!

Kirito: Alright! Let's see what you've got, Loj!

 **Lojky: Well... You're a player for one. You're flirting, probably on purpose, with a bunch of different girls, including your FLIPPING SISTER, (Which you probably justify by saying she's not your REAL sister) all while 16.5-ing Asuna. You lied to a whole group of innocent people by level-hiding, and now they're all dead. Sachi saw your level and recorded, in a nutshell, "Hey, saw your level, I know you won't protect us that well, so recording my FREAKING WILL! MARRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY GUILT TRIPPED NEWYEAR TOO!" And then you know what you never did? Anything to contact her family. Then, your girlfriend was off playing with a girl who had HIV, and you know what you did? Made filler scenes. A whole filler arc, to be exact. Yeah, we remember Calibur. And do you remember Silica? Lisbeth? Shino Asada? They all loved you! You know what you did? Ignored them. For seasons. Okay, if I keep insulting Kaz, I might start believing what I'm saying. Thanks for putting up with my insult ideas (That I wouldn't call roasts, but whatevs) Insert Outro!**

Bart: Ohoho, man! He's probably been meaning to say that for a long time.

Kirito: Not bad, Lojky! Not bad. Haha!

Bart: Ok, more to come after these messages from our sponsors!


	3. Chapter 3: Gamelord

Bart: Ok! Joining us now is another author from the Q&A, Gamelord the hitman!

Kirito: I knew he would show up eventually!

 **Gamelord: Kazuto Mutherf***ing Kirigaya... I'll have a whole note book of stuff I could say at this point.**

 **But first Kazuto. Let me just say that I congratulate you on your efforts to bring goth back to Japan... Oh wait your not? Oh sorry it's just... all the black, it's kinda misleading.**

 **Okay Kazuto I've gotta ask you... How the hell do you get so many girls to fall for you? I mean your wife starts liking you apparently after you both see a ghost, a dragon tamer likes you because you tell her she looks like your sister, a blacksmith falls for you despite you being a total dick to her through almost the whole thing, your sister falls for you (Avoiding the incest jokes) because you start acting like not a dick to her, a sniper kinda falls for you because it turns out you both got skeletons in the closest. I mean seriously, what's your secret!?**

 **Oh and I heard you got a kid during your honeymoon with Asuna... Okay buddy you leave for a wood cabin for like 2 weeks or something and you already got a kid? Hell Mate, It hasn't even been nine months! I mean I give you credit for working fast, but come on!**

 **Okay I think I got one more here ummm... Oh yeah that'll do! Okay *Clears throat* So you do realise you could have just pointed out Diabel was a beta-tester, right? I mean, the guy did a lot of good crap. He was a motivator, a leader, he got people to get their shit together to escape. I mean if you used him as an example of beta-testers and point out the obvious evidence like the hair and armour, which looked way too good to be in his hands, and then people would have gotten a more positive opinion on you guys. It would saved you the trouble of playing the villain, pretty lousy job there by the way, and walking around alone singing 'They call me the Wanderer~'. I'm surprised that idea never came to your mind actually.**

 **Anyway that's all I have for today so I'll be going. Thank you, I'm here for the rest of your miserable lives and good night! *Walks off the stage like a rock star***

Bart: Ok! Thank you, Gamelord! See you at the Q&A!

Kirito: You know, I would be more effected if I wasn't so bored because you worded it out so much!

Bart: We'll be right back after these messages from our sponsors!


	4. Chapter 4: Supbroimawesome

Bart: Ok, the next guy is...uh...ok, am I saying this right. Supbroimawesome. Yeah? Ok! Let's hear what he has to say!

 **Supbroimawesome**

 **So kerito how the absolute fudge pie (don't ask) did U get all the girls did u get them drunk? Are you blackmailing them I mean I don't see any other way except Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ohhhh OHHHHH I get it it all makes sence THERE HOOKERS AND YOU R PAYING THEM MONEY one moment (walk out of room *this is 911 what is your emergency? Ah yes I found a pimp, a blackmailer and uh crazy ummm thing just come over here in at ############### ok ok bye bye* (walks back in room) u disgust me.**

 **Lololololololololololololololololol jk love you (cops come) uhhhh welp EVERYMAN FOR THEMSELF (jumps out window) I swear I've taken after lojky #INSERTINTROXLOJKY IS BEST SHIP EVER BYE!**

Bart: Well, it looks like we got a Lojky fa-wait, the cops are actually here?

Cops: Everybody down on the ground! Now!

Bart: Officers! There is nothing going on here! It was just a prank-

Officer: Cease and desist!

Bart: Ok, I'm sure we can work something ou-Aaah! *gets tackled*

Cops: Turn off that camera! Turn off that camer-

*Technical Difficulties. Hand in there baby!* (Same picture)


	5. Chapter 5: The Guests

Bart: Now we have some guests who have some things to say to Kirito! Let's hear 'em now!

 **Guest**

 **Ya look like a fackin stick**

Kirito: Is that all you got?

 **Guest**

 **Klein is manlier than you.**

Kirito: So? I still have more screen time than the guy! No offense, Klein!

Klein: None taken!

 **Guest**

 **Kazuto Kirigaya, you are a freaking player who manages to make a harem consisting of your actual girlfriend, a random blacksmith who you were a dick to, a loli who reminds you of your sister, a troubled sniper, some random dude with a bandana and your cousin. And there is nothing attractive about you! Hell, I thought you looked Iike a girl first time I saw you. Not to mention you "duex ex machina" everything you do. Fastest reaction time, rare duel-wielding skill, everyone's savior, and you can even use a GM account! I could go on. . .**

Kirito: Keep going on and I'll have died of boredom because you made so wordy!

Bart: Well, those were the guests! Thank you for joining us! Now a word from our sponsors!


	6. Chapter 6: goldenshadowphoenix

Bart: I know I said this was gonna be a 5 chapter thing. But I thought 'what the heck'! Let's keep going! Now, let's hear from our next guest, goldenshadowphoenix

 **goldenshadowphoenix**

 **Kirito, I get it. You're an angsty teenager. We all are at some point. But really man? You have the chance to get the girl not even one month in. And you screw it up. It then takes another 22 months, and by that time, you've gotten an ENTIRE guild killed, and you lead on two other girls. Oh, and you really could've dealt with the beater thing better, by turning the argument on it's head, that Kibaou had no right to complain, as the only reason there was only one casualty was because you were there to prevent any more from happening. And then there's ALO. Honestly, not much to complain about, besides the fact that you lead your not-sister on. Also, instead of fighting the salamanders head on, you could've just flown around the wall. "Gasp. I could've flown around it? Damn, I'm feeling stupid." And what's with the defeatist attitude at the end, there? You are probably one of the only people who can claim to have overriden a stronger version of the system that was trying to hold you down.**

 **Going on to GGO. "I'm a guy." 3 simple words. Had you said that when you introduced yourself, you wouldn't have been slapped again. Moron.**

 **Caliber. Eh, not much to say. That was one of your okay moments, though the sword was meant to be used...**

 **With Yuuki, no dual wielding? What gives? It doesn't have to be an official fight, but we never get any indication that you ever gave your all against her even once. And really, I like sleeping, too, but find something else to do! What are you doing the rest of the time that you take every other moment to sleep? How do you even make sleeping into an AoE skill?**

 **On another note:**

 **What possessed you to get a summer job with Kikuoka? If anything, he's almost worse than Kayaba, and that's saying something! Though it did save your life, so it's not all bad...**

 **Honestly, except for the fact that you'very got major self-worth problems because you can't move from the past, and the fact that your wardrobe is 95% black, along with the fact that for someone so smart, your reasons for doing things are often pretty stupid, you're actually an okay guy. I'd never invite you to my guild without knowing your actual level first, though. That's been proven a death wish.**

 **Welp, peace.**

 **-Shadow**

 **PS I'd like a lean cut of the roasted Kirito with some mashed potatoes and gravy, thanks. Oh and a large coke, easy on the ice.**

Kirito: *pretending he's asleep* Huh? Are you done now? Sorry! It's just that it was so wordy, I fell asleep. I don't think I heard a word. Come on! Why can't anybody come up with something short and creative?

Bart: Well, thank you for joining us, Mr. Phoenix! Now another word from our sponsors!


	7. Chapter 7: bk42bk42

Bart: Hello, again! Joining us now is bk42bk42! Hello, Mr. bk42! Let's hear from you now!

 **bk42bk42**

 **Hey Kirito. You know there is many things you could have done better. One such thing is, oh I don't know, how about TELLING SACHI AND THE OTHERS YOUR LEVEL! SERIOUSLY, YOU, FIRST OFF, JUST HAD TO DO SOME AnIME CLICHE THING OF GETTING EVERYONE TO HATE YOU SO THEY WOULDN'T HATE OTHERS! REALLY, WHY!? WHAT, ARE YOU A LELOUCH FANBOY OR SOMETHING!?(Lelouch is from Code Geass(18 only for watching Code Geass) who does pretty much the EXACT SAME THING!) THEN, WHILE PLAYING VILLAIN, GOOD JOB THERE BY THE WAY, I'M PRETTY SURE A BABY COULD DO BETTER, YOU HAD TO DO YET A F%# ING NOTHER ANIME CLICHE OF WEARING ALL BLACK AND BEING A LONER! I'D KEEP GOING, BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER WORTH MY TIME!**

Kirito: Looks like someone forgot to take his medications! Come on! I know you guys can do better than this!

Bart: We'll see! We shall see! Keep leaving those comments in the reviews! And yet another word from our sponsors!


	8. Chapter 8: Johnny TheEpic Chhun

Bart: Welcome back! Now we will be hearing from Johnny TheEpic Chhun

Kirito: Well, let's hear!

 **Johnny TheEpic Chhun**

 **Oh ho ho ho *clap clap clap* Now we going to roast Kirito? I think I going to enjoy this.**

 ***face to face on kirito* Well happy birthday to you. *after kirito saying it not his bday* I DON'T CARE**

 **I got so many thing I want to say to you.**

Kirito: Hang on! Let me get comfortable. *adjusts his position*

 **You're THE WORST THING OF ALL OF SWORD ART ONLINE , in fact YOU'RE THE MAIN REASON WHY I HATE SWORD ART ONLINE!**

Kirito: Get in line, bub! You're not the only one who thinks that!

 **You just left all the player even the beta tester all because everyone think you cheat. what you going be cool by going solo? no you just getting someone one ep at a time. you call yourself a solo player? BS! YOU JUST GETTING GIRLS EVERY TIME FOR GOD DAMN REASON!**

 **Why you didn't die after somehow Asuna getting killed out of nowhere? how? How? HOW?! IDK HOW YOU COME BACK ALIVE AFTER YOU JUST DIE FOR ONE SEC?!**

 **How about excalibur? the one sword make you special? No that make you a retard only because you've the sword that make you special, oh take credit for Sinon for giving you a bone while your wife and girls piss off.**

 **I'm glad you roasting to you Kirito that i made a cake for you, so here *bring a cake saying f*ck you Kirito* Also I got a presents for you. *hit a face with a steal chair * Merry Christmas Kirito *Throw a cake to the face* And a Happy new year to you *Kick his nut***

Bart: Security! Get this jerk off the stage! Get him off the stage!

*Security escorts him off stage*

Bart: Kirito, are you ok?

Kirito: Yeah, I am. This cake tastes good! Best part of this roast cause his kicks hurt, but his words can't live up to it!

Bart: Haha! Well, here's another word from our sponsors!


	9. Chapter 9: Gennai's Acolyte

Bart: Here we are again! Now the usual insults! Joining us now is Gennai's Acolyte!

 **Gennai's Acolyte**

Kirito: Hold on! Let me get my pillow! *gets out pillow and rests his head on it* Ok! Shoot!

 **Oh boy, this was just too entertaining to pass up on. First, a disclaimer because I love SAO, for all of its flaws, and never understood the hate for Kirito as a character. That being said, there's some fun stuff to rip on:**

 **Hey Kirito, how is it that you can tank a friggin 20 ft tall blue demon, a giant scythe wielding grim reaper and a skeletal centipede-esque slasher horror without breaking a sweat, and yet every time your lovely wife so much as glares at you, you jump backwards like a scalded frog? Are you really that whipped after less than two years of marriage?**

 **You know, your skills with a sword are actually quite impressive, and you tend to handle yourself quite well, but you might want to consider sheathing them at your side, like a normal person. It might make you less likely to look like an idiot every time you nearly drop your sword over the back of your head.**

 **Despite being a survivor of SAO, you might want to get checked out, because I think that NervGear gave you some brain damage. Slamming yourself into an invisible barrier that you had already been told was there, thinking that Silica looked like your sister/cousin, trying to run up a pit wall, bluffing an entire army when you had nothing, etc... Also, how can you really be so oblivious to the fact that 80% of the women in your life start crushing after you at some point? You have to be the densest person in the world to not see that.**

 **Also, for all your supposed skills, it seems like dumb luck that keeps getting you out of places that your recklessness gets you in to. Your daughter nearly throwing her life away to keep The Fatal Scythe from murdering you and Asuna, the super deep pit you fell into turning out to be the dragon's nest, happening to have an electrode on that kept you from getting poisoned, serial murderer Akihiko Kayaba happening to give you his administrative credentials, etc... Seriously? You're either luckier than Mat Cauthon, or have more lives than a cat.**

 **And speaking of cats... no. I can't actually joke about that. Though, maybe you should stop blaming yourself for deaths caused by the most genre blind and inept group of dungeon crawlers I've ever seen. Those guys would never be able to survive if the stakes were really death...oh wait...**

 **But, that's just me and my roasts. In all seriousness, Kirito, I wish you a speedy recovery after this whole mess with Johnny Black/PoH/Underworld, and many years of happiness with your lovely harem-**

 **I mean with your darling wife (couldn't resist one last jab).**

Kirito: *sleeping*

Bart: Uh, Kirito! Kirito! Kirito!

Kirito: *wakes up* Huh? What? Is it finally over? So many words, so boring. You got to do better than that!

Bart: Let's keep going! But first, another word from our sponsors!


	10. Chapter 10: Greghero

Bart: Now joining us Greghero! And he's got a mouth full to sa-...What?...not roasting him...huh?...Ok! Instead he has this to say!

 **Greghero**

 **Wow pal you really dont have to do anything in this fic. Just sit back wait for the lines to write themselves. Good idea enjoy your reviews favs and follows.**

Bart: Uh, thanks! But this is a roast, so if you have anything to say to Kirito just put it in the review section! On to the next!


	11. Chapter 11: Lojky's Back

Bart: Wow! Over ten chapters now! Wasn't planning on getting this far. Thanks for the support guys! Now, returning is our favorite author from the Q&A, Looojky! Glad to have you back, Lojky!

Kirito: Alright, man! Let's hear what you've got this time!

 **Lojky**

 **Okay, here's an edit for you, ya little piece of crud. I do believe this all. You, Kirigaya Kazuto, make me want to kill myself. Legitimately. You have one of the most known harems in all of anime, and you basically are a sexist jerk. How? You flirt with all the girls, and basically exploit their love for you, making the show hatred by lots of people. Be more like AB!Kirito. He's a gross piece of... Nevermind, but at least he straight up denies the girls. Watch AniSins SAO. Your relations with your harem are as follows:**

 **Asuna: Girlfriend you pretend to be married to while you're off playing GUN HAREM ONLINE with Sinon, watching her almost strip.**

Kirito: Hey! We sorted that out already!

 **Silica: You Tell her you like her because she looks like your sister. Liar. Suguha and Keiko look nothing alike. At all.**

 **Lisbeth: You'll like this one Bart. She says she loves you, but you pretend to not hear so that she can use that "Nevermind" cliche she always uses around you when she said something important. I swear, you're ignorant on purpose!**

Bart: How could you deny her? She's so beautiful! You're a fool, Kirigaya! You could never make her happy! She's the most beautiful girl in the world! You should be locked up! Ignoring her words should be considered a crime!

Kirito: Bart! Bart! Calm down! Calm down!

Bart: Ok! Ok! I'm sorry. Got a little out of hand there. I'm sorry.

 **Suguha: One word. Incest.**

 **How's that Kirito? But Wait, there's more!**

 **Klein: I'm not even sure I need to roast you for this. You're probably puking in your mouth at the mention of this. So was I. For all twelve episodes that I witnessed this part of your harem.**

 **I have a legitimate theory though. You actually are in love with yourself. Yup. Because you, my friend, are unable to perceive other people's feelings.**

 **Insert Outro**

Bart: Right! Well, thanks for joining us again, Lojky! See you at the Q&A! Here's another word from our sponsors!


	12. Chapter 12: Ken Homura

Bart: Here we are again! Joining us is an author who I've collaborated with before, Ken Homura! Thank you for joining us today, Ken! Now let's hear what you have to say!

Kirito: Bring it on!

 **Ken Homura**

 **Hello, everyone! Since this story was created for the sole purpose of insulting or roasting Kirito, this is going to pretty heartless.**

 **Kirito, you are nothing but a curse. Any player you associated with in SAO was killed somehow. There was Coper, Diavel, the Black Cats, Corvatz and two of his men, Godfree, Kuradeel, Yui was almost deleted by the Cardinal system, the fourteen players who were killed by the Skull Reaper, and even Asuna, your own in-game wife almost died. In GGO, Pale Rider was killed by Death Gun, and he didn't even know who you were. He just happened to be in your presence when he died. Then, in UnderWorld, the embodied version of the Cardinal system was killed shortly after meeting you, and finally, Eugeo, your childhood friend (from UnderWorld), was killed by the 'Game Master', Quinella. Seriously, Kirito, I'm starting to think that all you are is the living form of the Fatal Scythe.**

Bart: Wow, Ken! Calling him a living Fatal Scythe. Nice!

Kirito: Eh, could've been better.

Bart: Well, let's hear from our sponsors!


	13. Chapter 13: Theblazepanzer24

Bart: Ok, here we are. *yawns* Oh, man! We've been filming all day, and it's almost 9pm. Ugh. Someone get me some coffee. Well, here's Theblazepanzer24.

Kirito: Well, let's hear what you've got! Come on!

 **Theblazepanzer24**

 **Kirito Kirito Kritio... *Sigh***

 **Why hide your level from the Moonlit Black Cats? Instead, you should have told them, "Um, yeah, my level is pretty high but I've played a lot of Mmos before and because I'm solo, most of the time I just grind every day.**

 **Also, when you saw Shino in nothing but undies, you deserved that slap. And that time Asuna slapped you into that pillar after you squeezed her... er... you know. I almost wish it'd been one of those pillars from Dark of the Moon, then it's have had some shock value to it. Almost. You did beat SAO and saved over 6000 people, so yeah, you deserve a break.**

Kirito: I don't know which will put me to sleep. The exhaustion of filming all day, or these weak blows you guys are giving me.

Bart: Wow. I love transformers too. Oh, man. *sips his coffee* Well, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. And hopefully my coffee will kick in when we get back.


	14. Chapter 14: The Phoenix Returns

Bart: *on phone* Yeah, Rika, babe. I probably won't be back until sometime late tonight. I'll probably have to sleep in-...Oh, we're filming now. Ok. Yeah, Rika, I'll be back tonight...yeah, I love you too. Bye. *puts phone away* Welcome back! This coffee is great! Doing the trick! Now returning is the goldenshadowphoenix!

 **goldenshadowphoenix**

 ***alarms go off***

 **Wake up, sleepy! That's right, you slept through half of SAO, my FIRST roast, and now you want to pull this?**

 **Go back to bed, you're not even worthy of a roast...lazy bum...**

Kirito: Hey, give me a break! I'm tired cause we've been filming all day!

 **A message for abridged!Kirito, if he's there: Sachi.**

Bart: Wait! Let me call him. *takes out his phone and dials AB Kirito's number and puts it on speaker*

AB Kirito: *over phone* What do you want?

Bart: Hey, AB Kirito! One of the authors has a message for you.

AB Kirito: What?!

Bart: Sachi!

AB Kirito: S-s-sachi! Sachi! SACHI! WHY! SACHI! SACHI! SA-

Bart: *hangs up* Hahaha! We're monsters for preying on his ptsd.

 **Now go fall asleep as the world comes crashing down around you. You don't have anything to offer anyway.**

 **Where is this all happening, anyway?**

Bart: In a studio I rented out!

 ***launches rotten tomatoes at kirito with slingshot***

Kirito: Hey!

 ***drumroll, exit***

Bart: Well, thanks for joining us again, Mr. Phoenix! Now, we will return after another freaking word from our sponsors.


	15. Chapter 15: More Guests

Bart: Hey, guys! Now we have more guests joining us! So, let's here what they have to say!

 **Guest**

 **I'm just here to wake the lad up**

Kirito: The coffee beat you to it, pal!

Bart: Yep! *sips coffee*

 **Guest**

 **SEXIST PIG! Why didn't you use your skill connect, faux duel wielding thing against Yuuki? Cause she's a girl? And don't even use the excuse "Oh, but she's sick and has a life-threatening illness" cause you didn't know shit about her! Not to mention, you tricked all the guys in GGO before the BoB. You used your girly appearence to try to get them to root for you. Also, you're a moron who gets himself into the worst situations (like getting slapped by Asuna with a simple misunderstanding, or getting another bitch slap from Sinon for posing as a girl) Also, can we make this into a fix where we can roast all the Sao characters, cause there's a lot I gotta say to them...**

Bart: I'm thinking about it. I might do it. Might. So, once again, we'll be right back after another freaking word from our freaking sponsors!


	16. Chapter 16: Ken is Back

Bart: Joining us again is Ken Homur-...Ken? Ken?

 ***sleeping***

Bart: Ken!

 ***wakes up* ...Oh, sorry. I was just copying Kirito.**

 **I'm sorry if this was a weak roast, but everyone seemed to be insulting you about it, so I figured, "why the hell not?"**

Kirito: Eh, it seems to be the only thing everyone is insulting me about.

 **Well, I have my own Q &A to be hosting, so I'll see you later, Bart. *leaves***

Bart: See ya, Ken! Thanks for stopping by! Now the usual word from our sponsors!


	17. Chapter 17: Paradoxxfoxx

Bart: Well, here we are again! Now joining us is Paradoxxfoxx! Let's hear what he has to say!

 **Paradoxxfoxx**

 **Kirito, I get that your voice actor Yuki Kaji also does Eren Jaeger and I also get having Bryce Papenbrook for them. There's only one difference: Yuki Kaji's actually a good voice actor.**

Bart: This is a roast for Kirito! You don't have to bring in the voice actors!

Kirito: Yeah! Lay off the Bryce Man!

Bart: Next is, well, I don't know if a guest is using Paradoxxfoxx's name or maybe he was just too lazy to log in!

 **Paradoxxfoxx**

 **I mean seriously, is Bryce Papenbrook the go-to guy for edgy teenagers?**

Kirito: I'm pretty sure we said this is a roast for me, Kirito! Not Bryce Papenbrook!

Bart: Well, thank for joining us Paradoxxfoxx, and maybe Paradoxxfoxx 2! Now, the usual sponsor usual word!


	18. Chapter 18: Ken is here to stay

Bart: Hello, again! Ken is back and he's got mo-...Ken?

Kirito: Why is he laughing?

 **Ken Homura**

 **Hahahahahahahaha- Wait, how did I get here in the first place?**

Bart: I'm just as confused as you are, buddy.

 **Sorry, but I ran out of creative things to say after the 'Living Fatal Scythe'. The only reason I'm here now, is to see what the others have to say. I'll just be a spectator while I'm here.**

Bart: Well, take a seat with the audience then! Glad to have you!

 **You know, it's kinda funny seeing them trying so hard to roast you, only for you to either fall asleep, or just not care at all.**

Kirito: Yeah! Everyone just keeps pouring weak sause on me!

 **And I hold nothing against Lojky or Gamelord.**

Bart: Well, thanks for sticking around with us, Ken! Now the usua-

Rika: *storms in* Get up! We're going home!

Bart: Rika, I'm in the middle of somethi-

Rika: I don't care! Your audience can come back tomorrow! You're coming home! Right. Now!

Bart: Ken! She's your little sister! Say something!

Ken: *stands up*

Rika: Sit down, Ken!

Ken: *sits back down without a word*

Rika: We're going! You're not staying here all night!

Bart: Rika, you can't just-

Rika: *shoots him a deadly glare*

Bart: *jumps back* Ok! We're going now. We're going. *looks back at camera* Well, that's all for today! I'll see you all tomorro-

Rika: Come on!

Bart: Yes, dear! *walks out of studio with her*


	19. Chapter 19: Lojky Returns and a guest

Bart: Hello, again! Now we have another guest with...not that much to say!

 **Guest**

 **I didn't know girly collarbones were still in style.**

Kirito: Wow. Finally, something new but with a very weak hit.

Bart: Well, that's not all! Returning is the author of Ask SAO, which is formely known as SAO Q&A, the one and only Looooojjjkkkyyyy! Now let's hear what Lojky has to dish out this time!

 **Lojky**

 **Hey KAZ! How are ya? At this point I assume you're not the Kaz from my q &a, mainly because my Kazuto doesn't give a... wait. Nevermind. Much like Ken, I'm just here to be a part of the audience! And "Rika?" Darling, don't take him away from his interactive story. Something might happen to your lif- I mean favorite food! **

Bart: Whoa! Hey, man! Don't go threatening my girl!

 **Bart, and by extension Xenus, because he hasn't appeared here yet, and I know that he's here, you should make it so we can roast anyone. Because I have certain words for Kazuto's "lovely" girlfriend! Don't get mad at me Kaz, but she's a tsundere piece of-**

Kirito: Hey! It's ok to insult me, but insult my wife and you're dead.

 **Insert Outro!**

Bart: Well, looks like we got a new member of the audience! And maybe I'll change it so you can roast anybody. Maybe! Now we have to film all these roast comments before 8 tonight because Rika said I have to be home be then. So, on to the next! After the usual sponsor word!


	20. Chapter 20: bk42 Returns

Bart: Well, bk42bk42 is back with more to say. Let's here him now!

 **bk42bk42**

 **Kirito, I have a gift for you... A Kirito Voodoo doll! I stole a hair while you were slee- ... He fell asleep again didn't he? ... I'm gonna doodle on his face now...(draws d*** on forehead, monocle over left eye, a cat on his right cheeck, and the words "I love Barbie!" on his chin)...hmm... I'll give him another gift...(gives him a sheathed sword that is shaped like a Barbie that also turns him female for 5 minutes after he touches it) here... by the way, you look better as girl, Kiriko...LOL**

Kiriko: Wait! What? What the hell is going on?!

Bart: Uh...ok. Well, that was...ok, I have no idea what just happened. Let's just get to the next after another word from our sponsors.


	21. Chapter 21: Another Word From Ken

Bart: Well, Ken, is I see you have something say. Let's hear ya!

 **Ken Homura**

 **...I think I've been featured on this story a bit too much by now.**

Bart: I don't mind! We enjoy your company!

 **Well, I'm here anyway, so here's my next little insult.**

 **SAO and ALO gave you an all-black outfit, and GGO gave you a lightsaber. Kirito, you are now not only a living Fatal Scythe, but a Darth Vader rip-off, as well.**

Kirito: Eh, I don't care. I love Star Wars.

Bart: Yeah, me too! So, thanks for that word, Ken! Now, the usual word from our sponsors then to the next!


	22. Chapter 22: Paradoxxfoxx Again

Bart: Paradoxxfoxx is back! Let's hear him now!

 **Paradoxxfoxx**

 **Listen Kirito, you where so much black, I'm tempted to say your life matters**

Kirito: This coming from the guy who has Darth Vader as his profile picture!

Bart: Ohohoho! Well, we'll be right back after these words from our sponsors!


	23. Chapter 23: lazyfangirl

Bart: We're back! Now we have another guest, lazyfangirl, here with us! And let's here what she has to say!

 **lazyfangirl**

 **Kirito, I know you have the same voice actor as Erin in Attack on Titan. But you know, you're so weak that Erin could beat you without turning into a Titan. You don't deserve the same voice actor as Erin.**

Kirito: Whatever. At least I'm not a big crybaby like him.

Bart: Burn to AoT fans right there! And...well, you know the usual! We'll be right back!


	24. Chapter 24: READ ME

Bart: Hey, guys! No guest this time! I've been thinking about what Lojky said, and I've decided to make a change to this roast. Now, not only will we be roasting Kirito, now we will be roasting Asuna, Sinon, and Kayaba! You guys seemed to be running out of stuff to say to Kirito. So, yeah! Now these you guys will be a part of the roast! So send in those comments in the reviews! Thank you all for supporting the roast! Keep 'em coming!


	25. Chapter 25: Ken's Departure

Bart: Well, hello again, everybody! Ken once again has some thoughts on his mind and would like to speak them.

 **Well, I have officially run out of things to say in this story.**

 **If I insult Asuna in any way, Kirito will kill me, and I don't feel like dying anytime soon.**

Kirito: Damn straight!

 **Sinon has too many good qualities for an insult.**

 **And anything I'd have to say to Kayaba has probably already been said. This will most likely be my last on-stage appearance.**

Bart: Oh, well. Thanks for staying with us as long as you could!

 **Oh, and be sure to visit my Q &A, please. I've only gotten 2 questions so far, so I need some more support from you guys. I'll be waiting for you there, if you ever decide to show up. Goodbye!**

Bart: Ok, bye! Tell Sakuya and the kids I said hi! Well, let's move on to the next!


	26. Chapter 26: Theblazepanzer24 is Back

Bart: Hey, guys! Blazepanzer24 is back with some things to say to Asuna!

Kirito: You make her cry and I'll kill you!

Asuna: It's alright, Kirito. I don't mind. I know you can't be liked by everybody.

 **Theblazepanzer24**

 **Dear Asuna:**

 **I really like you as a character, but I have one question. (And no, it's not me pointing to your shoes and asking what are those? *Hashtag internet meme*)**

 **My question is... Why in the world did you give Kuradeel mercy? He killed Godfreed and came with-in a millimeter of killing Kirito. And it is like he said, oldest trick in the book.**

Asuna: Well, he's dead now, so it doesn't matter! I was expecting something more insulting.

Bart: Yeah! If you want to ask questions, go to Lojky's Q&A! This is a roast! Now let's move on to the next!


	27. Chapter 27: bk42bk42 Once Again

Bart: Alright! bk42bk42 is back! Let's hear what he has to say!

 **bk42bk42**

 **Sorry... Klein got me drunk at Agil's bar. I think I will just stop, cause you don't care. It is pointless... Also, AB! Kirito, I can speak with the dead. Sachi says hi.**

Bart: O...k! I'll relay the message to him later. Well, thanks for stoppin-

 **One last thing. I am challenging my self to use only two words to describe everyone as best as I can.**

 **Kirito: Badass Bastard Kazuto: Annoying Shit**

 **Asuna: Tsundere Bitch**

 **Kayaba: Stupid Genius**

 **Sinon: Sniping Goddess**

 **That is all... Wait, Sinon, here is a cookie of my own making(Max cooking skill in ALO) that changes flavor to whatever the user likes best! Enjoy, as only you can eat it.**

Kirito: Nothing new!

Asuna: Eh, I don't care!

Kayaba: How can a person be a genius but also be stupid? It makes no sense.

Sinon: *blushes* Aw! Thank you!

Bart: Well, thanks for dropping by! I need more coffee! On to the next!


	28. Chapter 28: Another Guest

Bart: A guest has something to say to Asuna. Let's hear him/her out.

 **Guest**

 **Asuna, what happened to you? You were such a badass tsundere who had so much personality. Now you're just a fucking potato with barely any characteristics who went from a leading commander to a healer who stays in the back...**

Asuna: I feel like I still contribute to the group, despite whatever you think.

Bart: And there you have it. *yawns* Come on! Where's that coffee?

Assistant: Here you go, Bart. *gives him mug*

Bart: Ok, thank you! *sips* Ah! That's some good coffee! We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors.


	29. Chapter 29: Ken has a gift for Sinon

Bart: Hey, guys! Ken's back! Ken, what do you ha-...Ken?

 **Ken Homura**

 ***places ball of yarn on ground, then exits room***

Bart: Uh, Ken?...Ken?

 ***from behind door* Have fun with your present, Sinon!**

Sinon: *kicks door down* If your gonna insult me, don't waste my time with meaningless insults! *throws yarn at him*

 **Just... just don't kill me, alright? *walks away***

Sinon: That's what I thought...b****!

Bart: Ok! Let's just move on to the next!


	30. Chapter 30: lazyfangirl and Paradoxxfoxx

Bart: Well, joining us again is lazyfangirl.

 **lazyfangirl**

 **YAY! MORE ROASTING PEOPLE! ... that's all I'm gonna say.**

Bart: Wow. Thanks for contributing to this roast...not really! Well, also joining us is Paradoxxfoxx! Let's hear what he has to say!

 **Paradoxxfoxx**

 **#KayabaDidNothingWrong2k16**

Asuna: Thousands of people were killed in SAO because he trapped them in there!

Kirito: Yeah! How can you say he did nothing wrong?!

Kayaba: I will not deny that many people died in my creation. I accept full responsibility. But you must understand I only wanted to make SAO a reality.

 **Asuna, the only thing you're gonna be "Flash"-ing nowadays is Kirito!**

Asuna: That's right! I'm Asuna Yuuki and Kazuto Kirigaya is my husband!

*Kirito and Asuna hold hands and shamelessly raises them in the air*

Bart: That's sweet! Well, on to the next!


	31. Chapter 31: Yay! Lojky!

Bart: Our buddy Lojky has something to say to Asuna! I love this guy! As a friend! Let's hear him now!

 **Lojky**

 **Hahahahaha... Asuna... Asuna Yuuki... HAHAHAHA.**

 **You, my dear friend, are Taiga Aisaka on growth hormones. I mean, look at you. Taiga is literally a short version of you! You have strange taste in clothing, friends, and skills (I mean, cooking, in an RPG? Come on!) There is one place that you're no bigger than Taiga though! *Points at chest* Ha! You know I'm right! Kirito of all people will agree!**

Asuna: I don't care. As long as Kirito loves my body the way it is, I don't care what anyone says!

Kirito: Yeah! I love Asuna just the way she is!

 **You're such a jerk to the one you "love." You threatened him all throughout the canon of SAO, pointing knives at him, punching him, etc... Your idea of love is that of a forty year old hobo.**

Asuna: I'm pretty sure some of the women out there would agree that your man in line! Am I right, ladies?

 **Oh, one more thing. Embarrassment. You were embarrassed to call Kirito "Honey" and say "I love you!" after the two of you were MARRIED! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY?!**

Asuna: Well, you know it's...it's embarrassing! *blushes*

Bart: Yeah, Lojky! Most anime girls are like that!

 **Oh, Bart. I need to talk to you. People are shipping us again. We need to kill it with fire!**

Bart: What?! How many times do I have to tell you guys? I'm straight! I! AM! STRAIGHT! I'm marrying Rika! I am tired of explaining this to you!

 **See y'all on the Q &A! (#ShamelessSelfadvertizing!)**

Bart: Alright, Loj! I'll see you there! We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors! Take us out, Loj!

 **Insert Outro!**


	32. Chapter 32: Adro02

Bart: Hey, guys! Adro02 is here with us. Now let's hear what he has to say!

 **Adro02**

 **I thought i would also give this a try, but i'm too lazy to login. Well, no one has roasted Sinon Yet. Let's try that. *55 hours later* Ok I got it, wait, no i don't. F*** it, i'll just watch**

Sinon: Hehe! Looks like I'm the best character in the show! ;D

Bart: Yeah! Even I have to admit your one of my favorite characters. Well, we'll be right back after these-

Lisbeth: Who do you favor more?

Bart: Liz, honey! What are you-

Lisbeth: I'll ask again. Who. Do you. Favor. More?

Bart: Oh, no.


	33. Chapter 33: Ken's friend, Raito

Bart: Hey, guys! Well, we really don't have-huh? Ken? He's here? Ok, then! Here's Ken-...Ken, are you ok?

 **Ken Homura**

 **Raito: Can someone explain why Ken is sitting around the corner, curled up in a ball?**

Kirito: Let's just say it involved him trying to insult Sinon with a ball of yarn.

 **What a fool. Did he really expect to get away with that? And what's going on here, anyway?**

Bart: We're doing a character roast for Kirito, Asuna, Kayaba, and Sinon.

 **Oh, alright. Well, I'm sorry for intruding. I don't have anything to say, so I'll be leaving now. See you guys later. *exits room***

Bart: Ok, see ya! Let's just cut to the commercials!


	34. Chapter 34: LJ

Bart: Hey, guys! We're back again! Yada-yada-yada! Lucifer Jourgensen is joining us now! Let's hear what he has to say!

 **Lucifer Jourgensen**

 **To Kirito:**

 **I honestly got nothing to say except that your character can't be solely blamed on you, I mean you're pretty much Reki Kawahara's self insert in his own story. So yeah.**

Kirito: Hey! Don't bring Reki into this!

 **To Asuna:**

 **Let's be honest here, you had a lot of potential as a badass female lead, but from the second half of first season onwards, your character degraded so much from a badass to a helpless damsel in distress, and as a generic harem member, but I guess it's not your fault (I'm looking a you Reki Kawahara). But that aside, I am glad you were given a lot more spotlight at the second half of season 2, I just wished it was longer.**

Asuna: I believe my screen time in season 2 was decent-sized.

 **To Sinon:**

 **I can't exactly roast at all since you actually had a great character development and an interesting-yet sad past. I also want to mention you and Yuuki (R.I.P.) were the only reason I watched season 2 at all...**

Sinon: *blushes* Awww! Thank you!

 **To Kayaba:**

 **What the fuck? You forgot to reason as to why you trapped 10k players at the end of the Aincrad arc? That was a really half-assed answer. I expected a lot from the genius who created SAO.**

Bart: I know, right? That was one of the first questions I asked on Lojky's Q&A!

Kayaba: Well, I'm sorry if I disappointed you. You know, Joker forgot how and why he became The Joker and everyone loves him.

Bart: Do not compare yourself to the J-Man!

 **Klein:**

 **You should have had more screentime, you had a lot of potential to be better than some side-character. Hell, you could have been the co-lead character and then we'd have an epic story.**

Klein: Yeah, well, the story is already written and adapted, so what are you gonna do?

Bart: Well, thank you for stopping by! Now the usual messages from our sponsors!


	35. Chapter 35: Paradoxxfoxx Rises

Bart: We are back with Paradoxxfoxx! And he has more things to say! Let's hear him out!

 **Paradoxxfoxx**

 **Mumbles: Man I hope people got that Asuna joke...**

Asuna: No they haven't!

Random Audience Member 1: I still don't get it!

Random Audience Member 2: Sorry, bro! Don't get it!

 ***shuffles cards and clears throat***

 **Anyways. Sinon, there's nothing bad to say about you. Moving on.**

Sinon: See? Best character of the show!

 **Where's Klein? You know, the other love of Kirito's life. There he is. Your outfit in Alfheim looks like a flame painted car barfed on a samurai.**

Klein: Thanks, man!

Bart: Well, I didn't say Klein was added to the roast list, but what the hell? Klein is now roastable! We will be right back after these messa-

 **Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there Bart. I've seen this Listerine ad 31 times now stop cutting to commercials or get new sponsors. I can only endure white girls arguing about whiteners so many times.**

Bart: Well, sorry! But Listerine is the only sponsors we can get right now! Trust me, I've reached out to Coke, McDonald's, Funimation, and even Aniplex! So, unless you can get us new sponsors, we're gonna to just go with this! I don't like listening to that ad as much as you do! But oh well! Roll the freaking Listerine ad already!


	36. Chapter 36: Apologies

Hey, Guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm in the middle of a hiatus, mainly due to writer's block. Don't know when I'll upload any stories but I'll try to do so whenever I can. Just thought I'd let you guys know.


	37. Chapter 37: More Apologies

Hey Guys. Xenus here. I'm really sorry I haven't uploaded in forever. I'm just going through a lot of stuff. Don't know when I'll ever upload again but I just wanted to say thank you to all who supported me. Lojky, Gamelord, Ken, TheGoodGamer99 and so many others. If I ever do upload again, I'll let you know. And can someone please try to get a hold of GoodGamer and let him know his buddy Xenus says hey and that he hopes he's all right. I'd appreciate it. Till next time.


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